of ghosts left behind
by Kostucha
Summary: Tsurumi appears to be spiraling downward. Kikuda takes matters into his own hands. Pre-Canon. [Kikuda/Tsurumi]


The sky seemed brighter that night. A clear moon provided just enough natural light to assist Tsurumi in his search, making it easier to spot the familiar figure ahead.

He found him a good way further up the trench — in the exact spot he was directed to by Kikuda's close subordinate who seemed to painstakingly keep note of his superior's whereabouts at all times of day and Tsurumi could certainly appreciate such meticulousness — staring off into a distance seemingly lost in thought.

Awake, as expected, in spite of the late hour. Your jittering nerves would often make it difficult if not outright impossible to catch any sleep right before an important event.

Tsurumi thought himself a stranger to that kind of anxiety. Tomorrow had to come (with or without him), there was simply no other eventuality. Yet here he was, experiencing a certain tightness in the pits of his stomach that he couldn't deny, not even to himself. A foreboding feeling. As if his instincts were picking up on signs his mind couldn't yet process.

"Warrant Officer Kikuda." he said loudly enough to announce his arrival, but not too intrusive as to not stir any of the soldiers dozing off nearby.

Once jolted back from his reverie, the taller man hurriedly turned to face him, pulling out his hands from his coat pockets out of reflex. Clearly, he didn't hear him approaching.

"First Lieutenant Tsurumi. Shouldn't you be resting, sir?" The initial surprise etched on his features gave way to something akin to concern. As he's come to expect of the man by now, his face read like an open book. Oddly Tsurumi didn't dislike that trait in him.

"That applies to you as well," he countered easily.

Kikuda only huffed good-naturedly in response, if somewhat exasperated. And just like that, the tangible tension in his shoulders appeared to be gone. An offended frown turned into a grin in concert with his rigid posture relaxing — now looking open, inviting. Tsurumi felt himself pulled forward toward the other man.

"Just between us" Kikuda trailed off, anticipating Tsurumi to step closer before continuing "I'm often having trouble sleeping in the days leading up to a full moon."

"Insomnia. That's quite a predicament."

"Well. It has its good sides." Kikuda looked up briefly at nothing in particular, before exhaling deeply and lowering his gaze again, brows raised in wordless question.

After an extended moment of silence and no further prompting, it became obvious Kikuda must have expected Tsurumi to confide in him. And yet, he couldn't even begin to express what the matter is, didn't want to in fact. For as much pride as he took in his analytical skills, he was reluctant to put his own self under a microscope, to probe around the nooks and crannies of his mind.

Truth be told, Tsurumi had no actual reason or excuse to seek out the man's company in the middle of the night. Everything of strategical importance that needed to be said, was already discussed during officers' meeting when they went over the logistics of the incoming day.

Ever since Kikuda has been promoted to the rank of Warrant Officer and assigned his own platoon, they found themselves separated more often than not. It was unavoidable, of course. Presently, he had to content himself with merely catching a glimpse of him in the chaos of a day.

In all these years they knew each other, Tsurumi realized, he came to associate Kikuda with stability. As agonizingly straightforward as he was — a virtue of his that seemed to be both a blessing and sometimes a curse — he carried a sense of integrity about him Tsurumi could always depend on.

With the threat of Ogata gradually slipping away and Tsukishima shutting him out looming over Tsurumi lately like a guillotine, he felt trapped in this uncertain reality, longing to grasp onto something solid.

"You must be wondering why I'm here." in the end he chose to offer him the truth, stripped to its essence "I was yearning for your company, to put it simply."

A harsh intake of breath — audible enough to send shivers up his spine — was the only indication Tsurumi's rather forward statement wasn't just taken at face value. But considered, carefully.

For a lengthy moment, both of them seemed to be caught up in a self-inflicted stupor, frozen in place. It was Kikuda who finally broke the spell. There was a resolute certainty to his movements as he turned around and indicated for Tsurumi to join him with a slight inclination of his head.

Standing alongside the other man, facing forward toward a vast expanse of land covered in glistening snow, he felt indulged. Yet no longer at ease as the heavy atmosphere has settled between them and polluted the air.

Unwilling to elaborate further and clarify his thoughts, __his needs __— now wasn't the time to venture into uncharted waters of their relationship, which Tsurumi didn't even have a term for — he settled for changing the subject.

"That reminds me, what were you so immersed in?"

"Huh?"

"You seemed awfully engrossed in something before I so rudely interrupted you."

"You didn't-" he started to rebuff him, but then apparently thought better of it as he just shook his head in baffled defeat "Ah, well. Isn't it obvious?"

Now Tsurumi's curiosity really was piqued, he urged Kikuda to continue with an expectant stare.

"It's not often you can see the stars so clearly."

__Oh.__ Yes, now that he mentioned it. Tsurumi lifted his eyes upward, for the first time that night truly acknowledging the breathtaking display.

Indeed, a myriad of stars illuminated the night sky giving it a hazy quality. And has done it with such splendor, even the near-full moon's silver glow seemed to yield to their radiance. Appearing to enhance their emanating brilliance instead.

"You're right. It's a splendid view." he admitted, before adding teasingly, very much enjoying their easy rapport "Although I didn't peg you for a star enthusiast."

Kikuda only chuckled. From the corner of his eye, he saw him shrug, just a bare lift of his shoulders. "Who wouldn't be taken in by such a sight?"

Tsurumi could name a few.

"I was just thinking..." there was a clear shift in Kikuda's tone as he appeared to mull over his next words carefully.

Tsurumi felt an apprehension settle in his stomach he attributed to cool breeze working its way through his clothing.

"The stars are hanging so low tonight, almost within arm's reach. As if you could grasp them, were you to extend your hand."

They do say the clear cloudless nights are usually the coldest.

"In reality, they're determined to remain distant and unreachable. So stubborn." he scoffed but his next words almost came off as a whisper "Why do you think that is, sir? __Tsurumi.__"

He could feel his heart skip a beat. Whether it was due to softness embedded in Kikuda's voice, a deliberate slip of decorum or that keen gaze piercing through his skin to his very core, Tsurumi didn't know.

"Our perception can be an illusory thing." he breathed out with a note of desperation in his voice. He didn't regret his words. He did.

"Is that so?"

There was a definite drop in temperature. Tsurumi watched his breath condense into mist as he exhaled, almost mesmerized, letting Kikuda's skeptical response hang in the air between them.

Kikuda's expression remained inscrutable, unbearably so, for the first time ever perhaps, out of Tsurumi's reach. And it finally hit him. He really __did__ corrode everything he touched, no matter how durable or flexible the material they were made of, it was only a matter of time.

Above all else, he was also a very selfish man.

So he cast his eyes skyward, wanting them to resume their stargazing as a token of peace offering.

"Are you familiar with winter constellations, perhaps?" he asked while attempting to recall their patterns, the knowledge he still retained from his studies in his youth. A distant past where he was allowed to freely pursue arts and education and wished for nothing more. It felt like someone else's life now. "The constellation of Orion ought to be-"

"__I gaze upwards toward the moon in the skies__"

Startled by an abrupt interruption, he felt himself freeze, wondering whether he only imagined a whisper in the wind (or the Dead reciting in his ear, taunting him).

"__And downwards look when a nostalgia does arise.__"

This must have been an elaborate dream after all. Not being able to fight the compulsion, he spun around toward the wistful voice, only to find himself reflected in Kikuda's gaze. The tangible longing taking his breath away.

He kept staring into his eyes transfixed as if they were suspended in time until he could bear it no longer.

Stifling the urge to clear his throat, he plowed forward "There, these three stars in a row would be Orion's belt."

He raised his arm and was about to start tracing the pattern in the sky with his index finger when suddenly he felt himself stopped by a tentative touch.

Kikuda's larger and impossibly warmer hand was covering his, rendering him speechless.

"That's enough, don't you think?" After it became clear Tsurumi's not pulling away, he gripped his hand firmly in both of his hands to rub life back into it "You're freezing, damn you."

He was. And Tsurumi couldn't even fault him for his miffled but well-meaning admonition.

He could feel the tingling of blood circulating through his fingers with renewed vigor — it tickled — but still, it was nothing compared to the warmth spreading on his cheeks, once Kikuda brought his hand closer to his face and pressed a soft kiss against his knuckles.

"There. All better."

He couldn't decide whether he was more flustered or irked by Kikuda's self-satisfied smile. At any rate, he would do something about it, if only his limbs were cooperating.

Now that the air was cleared, he felt like all the tension was gone from his body, leaving him exhausted.

"You're aggravating sometimes, you know." Tsurumi had to concede to that one.

"My apolo-"

"Shhh."

Kikuda finally let go of his hand just so he could unbutton his thick coat and open it to him in clear invitation.

"Come here, you're not the only one feeling cold."

Honestly, Tsurumi didn't need further prompting, now that all the hesitation from earlier appeared to be gone. He maneuvered himself and leaned with his back against the other man, settling his head under his chin, it didn't take much to make himself comfortable. Huddled like this together, Kikuda's coat shielding them from the wind, it really felt warmer. He didn't even realize how numb he was until now.

He hummed, in contentment, when Kikuda's hand clasped his again and started rubbing comforting circles with his thumb. He was getting so drowsy already.

"Speaking of constellations." this close, with no actual space between them, Tsurumi could feel his voice reverberate through him "What do you think would they name __us__? I have a couple of ideas, myself."

Tsurumi couldn't tell when their relations evolved, exactly, but at some point, it became imperative they remained in each other's orbit. Everything else was details.

"Do you ever wonder what kind of picture do we make?" Kikuda went on in his hushed voice, wholly unbothered by Tsurumi's silence and he began to suspect he was trying to talk him to sleep. It appeared to be working. "I bet we would shine just as brightly. More so. Adorning the sky for eternity."

Tsurumi didn't correct him. He chose not to tell him that even the star's life is finite or that the brightest stars burn out quicker. That these celestial bodies he's gazing at in wonder are in many instances gone already, and only their traveling light is still reaching them, like an afterimage. Ghosts left behind.

He squeezed Kikuda's hand in reassurance and chose to focus on the warmth of their embrace instead. It made him feel safe, wanted. He could still sense the light tingle on his skin left behind in wake of Kikuda's lips. Even dead people walking should be allowed some fleeting happiness, he figured.


End file.
